We all face challenges in life, but the obstacles presented by divorce are particularly difficult to overcome.
In this episode I talk about the nature of these obstacles, where they come from and how to defeat them. By heading them off, you’ll be in a better position to get started on your new business venture!
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Episode Transcript
Welcome back! My name Traci and this is Refined By Divorce. My voice is still recovering, if you heard last week, it was pretty rough, and it’s been almost a week now that I’ve been recovering and this laryngitis just really got me so, I apologize, I’ve done this intro several times and I keep, my voice cracks like a little boy, but anyway you’ll have to excuse me for that, and hopefully by next week I’ll be better but here we go!
Refined Rebel - Alice Coachman
Born into the segregated south in 1923 as a woman of color, today’s refined rebel faced multiple levels of discrimination and had to overcome several barriers and obstacles in order to achieve her dreams.
Alice Coachman was athletic and loved to play sports like softball and basketball, but thought she would become a dancer or musician, until her 5th grade teacher saw her athletic abilities and encouraged her to pursue running. By the time she was in 7th grade, she was the best runner in Albany.
Society frowned on women playing sports, especially sports that were seen as masculine, like track and field. Alice’s father disapproved too, he wanted her to sit on the porch and look dainty, but she had other plans.
Forbidden from training at fields with white athletes, Alice had to get creative. She would run barefoot on dusty roads and use sticks and rope to practice the high jump, training herself, until she joined her school team.
She went on to break many high jump records, barefoot, and caught the attention of a coach at Tuskegee Institute in Alabama, which is one of the earliest Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs) in the United States.
Tuskegee gave her a scholarship and she studied dressmaking while competing for the school’s track-and-field and basketball teams.
She was one of the best athletes in the country, winning four national championships for sprinting and high jumping., and was encouraged to enter the Olympics.
Even though she was competing while nursing a back injury, Alice still destroyed the existing US high jump record, clearing the 5’6.125” bar, and became the first black woman to win an Olympic Gold Medal in London 1948.
Her gold medal was awarded by King George VI, she was congratulated and honored by President Truman at the White House, and she was celebrated in a motorcade traveling from Atlanta to her hometown of Albany, Georgia.
When she was honored in her home state, whites and blacks had to sit separately in the auditorium. The white mayor of Albany sat on the stage with her, but refused to shake her hand. She had to leave her own celebration by a side door. Despite
Her career ended at the age of 24. She graduated with a B.S. in Home Economics and a minor in science at Albany college in 1949. She then became an elementary and high school teacher and track coach.
In 1952, became the first Black female athlete to endorse an international consumer brand, Coca Cola.
She was inducted into nine halls of fame and in 1994, she started the Alice Coachman Track and Field Foundation to aid young athletes and former competitors in financial need.
She died an inspiration at the age of 90.
You can read more about her and the other Refined Rebels on the website here.
Overcoming Obstacles
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Alice didn’t let any obstacles get in her way. When she faced an almost 6 foot tall hurdle, she just went right over the top of it.
That’s what I want to talk about today – overcoming obstacles.
When you’re going through a divorce or embarking on a path to entrepreneurship, or both, these obstacles will come at you from all directions. There’s lack of money or time, children and custody, issues with credit or your partner, fatigue, but the biggest hurdles are self-imposed.
What do I mean by that? I don’t mean you’re making them up or they’re all in your head. What I mean is they can’t be fixed by outside intervention or solutions because they originate from within. For myself and for my clients, I see 3 main obstacles –
Resistance to Change, Fear and Pressure.
So let’s dig into these hurdles, and then we’ll talk about ways to overcome them.
1. Resistance to Change
We are hard-wired to resist change. The part of our brain that drives our primitive habits operates on auto-pilot, and we don’t have to expend any brain power thinking about it. The threat of change can set off our fight or flight system, and it feels uncomfortable, so returning to the safety of the status quo is easier and feels better. We want to operate efficiently, and the best way to do that is to establish a routine and stick to it.
Change is mandatory during divorce and when starting a business, and it’s hard. Each of us have differing levels of resistance to change, but for most of us, we like our comfort zones, and uncertainty feels similar to failure in our brains, so we seek out certainty.
2. Fear of Failure or Inexperience
These are deep feelings that also come from within, and they’re based on years of external and internal critiques, feelings of worthlessness, previous failures, I talked about in episode 4, I could have started my own company after my first divorce ended, but fear kept me from moving forward. And I think if I had been able to overcome those obstacles back then, I know I would have been successful, it would have been fine, but I let those fears get into my head and I couldn’t overcome them, or I didn’t even try, I just gave up.
3. Pressure from Family and Friends or Society
This can be a big one, especially for people like me, I’ve said it before, I’m a people pleaser! A lot of times, when you share big ideas, friends of family will experience fear for you or feel what would it be like for them, so their initial reaction is “stop, back up, don’t do what you’re doing, go get a job, do something less scary” and they’re projecting their own fears on you or they just want to protect you. It’s the same instinct that applies in the first scenario, that resistance to change, it’s just that they’re having it about themselves or for you. So my suggestion is to not request advice, maybe not talk to friends and family about things you’re not prepared to defend or if you yourself are feeling on the fence and talking to them may push you one way or the other, it might be a good idea to just not address it with them. I don’t blame my friends and family from steering me away from self-employment, I understand it, I understand that fear because I’ve had that fear before, like I said, that fear of failure is scary.
So what are some things that we can do to overcome these hurdles?
1. Recognize and Acknowledge Change
With divorce and starting a business, that change is mandatory like I said, but acknowledging that you’re going through it and it’s going to happen, a lot of times that will decrease that stress if you’re still fighting against it.
Our brains are so powerful and a lot of times we’ll be in denial out of protection, but if we remain in denial, and we can’t move forward that’s actually detrimental. So, if you can recognize and acknowledge that change is coming and that it’s good, and if you can identify why it’s necessary, so that’s the second one.
2. Identify the Reasons for Change
With divorce, a lot of times you might be the only one who can see the reasons why it needs to happen. But you have to believe in yourself and your reasons, more than you fear I guess what other people are going to say or think or do, because sometimes it’s the right choice and when other’s are not in the situation, the only two people in a marriage that knows what’s going on in a marriage, are those two people. I mean obviously we all see things from our own side, right? So really it’s just you. You’re the only one who is experiencing your marriage the way you are experiencing it, and you need to trust in yourself, in your judgement of the situation, and in determining whether it’s best to move on or keep working on it or whatever. A lot of the issues that have made my life more difficult is that people pleasing nature. It made me stay in situations far too long that were not right for me and having faith in myself is what really helped me get through those difficult changes.
It’s one thing to think about it, but I think writing something down helps to get it out of your head and help you see things more clearly.
3. Maintain Some Normalcy
So there’s going to be a big upset, right? And if you can try to keep some of the same things, keep some of your same routines going forward, it will help you to feel more grounded and deal with the changes in a better, more positive way.
4. Eat Right, Sleep Well, Exercise, & Get Rest
Eating right, sleeping well, exercising and getting rest, and it’s gotta be all 4 of those, because it will help set you up to deal with things emotionally, physically and spiritually. So eat well, sleep 8 hours, get your rest, and exercise.
I think with rest that also includes time for entertainment or fun, doing something that you enjoy.
5. Identify the Positives
This really is an exercise that will be helpful in all of your life. We tend to think in negatives. Our brains are often attracted to the negative pieces of information about our lives, the negative things we hear, and so it really does take energy to focus on the positive and to really truly identify the positive things that can happen. If you’re not really looking for it, it’s easy to miss. So, once again, sitting down and writing out positive aspects of this new change and how it’s making you feel currently, and also how you’ll feel after the change takes place. Leaning towards those positive outcomes really will help you reframe and see things in a different, better light.
6. Get Proactive
What that means is going into prevention mode. So rather than sitting back and waiting for things to go wrong, it’s looking forward and trying to foresee possible issues and heading them off. If you’re able to identify and head off possible problems, it not only will help you with that specific problem, but it helps you see that you can handle change, and that by focusing on the things that you can control, it will help you stop worrying about the things you can’t. This one helps you in multiple way.
7. Vent, But To A Point
So what does that mean? I think venting plays a big role in our ability to get over difficult situations. I think it’s very important to be able to vent, but it can also bring you down and you can also get stuck in a bad place if you sit in the venting for too long. So you definitely want to get all of those emotions out and especially with a safe person, whether that’s with a therapist, counselor, or a close friend who can take it on without feeling those feelings. But being able to get out all of those feelings and thoughts. Another good way people say all the time, write it down and then burn it, or write it in an email and then delete it, just make sure you don’t put anything in the “to” section. There are a lot of different ways you can get those feelings out through venting that aren’t going to damage you further and aren’t going to damage you down the line. If you’re paying attention you will see when it becomes not helpful any longer.
8. Back Away From Social Media
Put your phone down, delete your apps, whatever you need to do. Taking a break from social media is never a bad idea, but it’s especially a good idea when you’re going through difficult changes and also when you’re starting down a new road. It’s good to step away and spend that time instead reflecting and relaxing. I step away from my social media quite a bit, in fact I’m not on there hardly ever. As I went through these difficult changes that I’ve gone through, I would notice how it would make me feel, and I decided to just back away from it because I just don’t feel my best when I’m on it. So I would encourage you to see if that’s true for you as well, and take a break if you need to.
9. Give Yourself A Break
So the last one, and I’m sure there are others I could give you, but let’s end it on giving yourself a break. Going through a divorce is one of the most difficult things you will do in your life. There are very few things that are as hard or harder. Starting a business is a cake walk compared to it. So if you can get through your divorce, you can start a business. And I hope that you’ll work through these obstacles so that you can create a life that you want, that you deserve, and that will support you and your family, so that you can have a life that’s worth having and worth living. That’s why I feel so strongly that women have the opportunity to start a business if they want to. If you want to get started on your entrepreneurial journey today, please reach out to me.
I will have more resources coming out soon, the next few podcasts will be going more specifically into how to start your business and go forward, but I felt like it was important today to talk about to talk about the obstacles, because if you can get past these initial blocks it can open up a whole new world.
Reach out to me on LinkedIn or on the Website and let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you. I hope you have a wonderful week!
Love In, Peace Out.
Bye.
