As women and mothers, we’re used to playing the supporting role, but after divorce, you have to become the star of your own life. But where do you start? In this episode, we’ll talk about some of the changes you can make in your thoughts and beliefs, and how starting a small business is a great way to take control of your life. I talk about getting started down the road of Entrepreneurship through a discovery process, and walk you through the steps. I created a Discovery Document to help you with the process, you just need to subscribe HERE to The Kaleidoscope, and you’ll receive the document via email, along with my weekly Transformational Tip. I believe every wife and mother has developed the skills and experience necessary to start a small business. You’ve learned how to market, sell and negotiate. You know how to manage time, projects, resources and people. You’re an event planner, you work with budgets and forecasting and you’re a pro in the HR department. You understand the concepts behind running a small business, and with just a little bit of study, you will have everything you need to start a low-risk, service-based business for next to nothing. You don’t need to be a footnote in someone else’s life, you can be the star of your own, so listen in to learn how to get started today!
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Refined Rebel - Martha Gellhorn
This episode’s refined rebel was an early suffragist. She was an activist, author, legendary journalist and one of the very first female war correspondents. Martha Gellhorn was born in 1908 in St. Louis and she was determined to become a foreign correspondent. At the age of 22, she went to France with a typewriter and $75 in hand. She worked there but she was fired after she reported sexual harassment by a man who was connected with the agency she worked for.
She stayed on in Europe, wrote for newspapers and even covered fashion for Vogue Magazine. She became active in the pacifist movement. She returned to the States and got a job. The Roosevelt’s invited her to live at the White House. She spent evenings there helping Eleanor Roosevelt write correspondence and the First Lady’s My Day column. She was hired to work for the Federal Emergency Relief Administration, FERA, which was created by Roosevelt to help end the Great Depression.
She traveled all around the US to report on how the depression was affecting the country. She worked with Dorothea Lange, who was a photographer and they documented the everyday lives of Hungary and the homeless. Their reports became part of the official government files for the Great Depression. They were able to investigate topics that were not usually open to women of the 1930s. While she was in Idaho, Gellhorn convinced a group of workers to break the windows of the local FERA office to draw attention to their crooked boss. Although it worked, she was fired from FERA.
In 1936, she met Ernest Hemingway and they were married from 1940 to 1945. They spent time all over Europe where she reported on the Spanish Civil War, the rise of Adolf Hitler and World War II. She also reported from Finland, Hong Kong, Burma, Singapore and England. She applied to the British government because she wanted press accreditation so that she could report on the Normandy landings but she was denied as all other female journalists were.
Despite her husband trying to block her from going, she decided to pose as a nurse. She was allowed onto a hospital ship where she locked herself in a bathroom to evade being found out. Two days later, they landed and she saw the mini-wounded and became a stretcher bear. She was the only woman to land at Normandy on D-Day. It’s fascinating.
She was also one of the first journalists to report from the Dachau concentration camp after it was liberated. Her husband, Ernest Hemingway, became increasingly frustrated with her travel and he wrote to her asking, “Are you a war correspondent or wife in my bed?” Apparently, she couldn’t be both so she chose war correspondent.
They were divorced but she went on to cover the Vietnam War, the Arab-Israeli conflict and the ‘60s and ‘70s civil wars in Central America. She worked into her 80s covering the US invasion of Panama in 1989. She finally retired from journalism in 1991 but went on one last overseas trip to Brazil in ‘95 to report on poverty.
Her work includes photographs, news articles, novels and many books, which were a major contribution to world history. She’s celebrated every year when one outstanding journalist receives an award in her honor. We barely scratch the surface. You can read much more about her on the website. Refined Rebels
Take the Leading Role
As a condition for granting interviews, Martha Gellhorn was known to insist that Hemingway’s name not be mentioned. As she put it once, “I’ve been a writer for over 40 years. I was a writer before I met him and I was a writer after I left him. Why should I be merely a footnote in his life?” When you grow up in a society that recognizes and honors men and their achievements almost exclusively and everything you study, read and see is from a male perspective, it’s difficult to see yourself in a starring role.
For divorced women, it’s a double whammy because the supporting role that you’ve been conditioned to play your whole life, even that is gone. You no longer serve your purpose, which was supporting the man in your life. You feel like you have no role at all. There are a lot of unhealthy thoughts and beliefs that we need to unravel and rework. They run deep and wide.
I always suggest therapy as the first step to working through the grief and loss of divorce but once you’ve stabilized and are in a better space, you can begin to uncover the prejudiced themes you’ve come to believe about women, divorce and therefore yourself. I have several book recommendations that helped me with this.
Here are some of the concepts that I learned for myself and that I continually revisit when the negative thoughts creep back in which they always do. “You are important. Your needs matter. You are capable of big things. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Being the star of your life does not diminish those around you. It’s a way to put your health and well-being first so you can perform to your highest level and still have the capacity to play a supporting role in the lives of your loved ones.”
“There is room for everyone to play the lead in their life. As humans, we have physical, spiritual and mental needs that require to be tended to. As women and mothers, we’ve been taught that we should sacrifice our needs to meet the needs of our loved ones and gain the approval of others.” Those who don’t sacrifice everything for their husband and children are seen as selfish so it’s hard to break this belief. It takes some effort to internally dispel these myths we’ve learned over time.
I have internal debates where I go back and forth. These beliefs are so deeply ingrained but if you can first recognize that they might be flawed, then you can start that debate within yourself and hopefully change your perspective. We all know that sacrifice is a necessary part of being in a relationship, especially as a parent but continual self-sacrifice is harmful to you and your loved ones.
When you deny yourself of needs and personal wants, you’re ignoring your feelings and emotions. You’re giving an important part of yourself away. When you value others above yourself, it leads to stress, anxiety and eventually burnout. You may resent everyone for expecting so much of you when you had the choice to give less at any time and set a different expectation.
By sacrificing ourselves to meet their every need, we’re denying our children an important lesson on how to meet their needs and not expect the world or their spouse to take care of them. The give and take between two people create mutual respect and strengthened your bond learning. Learning this last concept has helped solidify the importance of taking care of myself and not giving it all away.
[bctt tweet=”The give and take between two people create mutual respect, and it strengthens your bond.” via=”no”]
I want to have mutual respect and a strengthened bond with my children and the other people in my life. By working to rid yourself of these negative beliefs and putting your needs first, you can begin to develop your leading role. One of the first things you’ll have to figure out after divorce is how you’re going to support yourself. Focusing on your career and business is a great way to become the star of your life too.
In the future, I may touch on career options but this show is for entrepreneurial women and this will be our first look into the world of entrepreneurship. It’s not for everyone but it is a possibility. It’s a great way to build confidence, self-worth and financial security. The word entrepreneur can conjure an image of a larger-than-life, almost cartoonish man, typically White who makes millions of dollars building and selling huge companies. At least that’s the vision I have.
There are so many different types of entrepreneurs. There are builders, innovators, opportunists and more but the type of entrepreneur I help is the small business owner. I believe every wife and mother has developed the skills and experience needed to start a small business. You’ve learned how to market, sell and negotiate. You’re an event planner. You’re a pro in the HR department. You work with budgets and forecasting.
You know how to manage everything, people, projects, resources and time. You may not know the terms but you understand the concepts behind it all. You have everything you need to start a service-based business for next to nothing, even if you don’t yet know what that service should be. It is a service-based business.
Think dog walker, pet sitter, personal trainer, dance teacher, babysitter, consultant, designer, event planner, makeup artist, property manager and nun. The list is endless. It’s growing and changing as more people jump into small businesses and see ways to fill a need. If you have a little bit of runway following a divorce and you can afford to not have an income for several months, starting a small business is a great option. If it’s not possible and you need to have a paycheck right away to pay the bills or have health insurance, you can still start to build a business on the side. The kids call it a side hustle.
Once you’re making enough money and you’ve figured out your health insurance, you quit the job so your business will become your full-time endeavor. You can take a job and save a portion of your income until you have a lump sum that can support you for 3 to 6 months. If you’re more comfortable and need a longer runway of up to 12 months, you can quit your job and put all of your energy, time and resources into building the business.
There’s so much fear surrounding the start of a business and yes, it can be risky but you can mitigate those risks. It’s not often talked about but employment can provide a false sense of security. I have several friends whose companies had major layoffs before Christmas. Having a job is not as secure as were led to believe. Ask anyone who’s ever lost theirs.
[bctt tweet=”There’s so much fear surrounding the start of a business, it can be risky, but you can mitigate those risks, and it’s not often discussed, but employment can provide a false sense of security.” via=”no”]
Starting a service-based business requires very little capital so it’s much less risky than other endeavors. I believe women and mothers have the right set of tools to be successful. Since we’ve been conditioned to think of and care for others our whole life, we are particularly good at determining a need and coming up with a solution for it.
Where do you start? There are four areas that I recommend you get a clear picture of before you make any choices. The four areas are finances, strengths, deep interests and other resources. Figuring all of this out is a process that might take you some time but the information you receive will give you the confidence you need to take steps toward building a small business. It’s well worth the time spent.
I’ve even created a discovery document for you. If you want to use it to help you with this process, it’s not necessary but if you subscribe to the Kaleidoscope, which is the inside group, you’ll receive the discovery document delivered to your email. You can go to the website RefinedByDivorce.com and there should be a popup or you can go to the contact page. It’s even on the show page as well.
If you decide to use the discovery document, all this information will be there but I’m also going to walk you through the process. You’ll want to either write it down or open a spreadsheet on your computer and start there. In the first finances, you need a clear picture of your position. It can be done with two very simple financial statements. The 1st is a balance sheet and the 2nd is a cashflow statement.
The balance sheet will have a snapshot of your current worth. It’s a very simple calculation. It’s, what are your assets? What are your liabilities? You subtract your liabilities from your assets and that determines your net worth. It is a picture of that day whenever you’re looking at it. The personal cashflow statement will measure a certain period and determine what your net cashflow is for that time.
You can look at it monthly, weekly or annually but you’ll put in all of the income for that period and all of the expenses for that period. It’s the same subtraction. You’ll subtract your expenses from your income and that determines your net cashflow. If you’re positive in both, you’re in a good position. If you’re negative in both, not as good.
The second part of the process is to determine your strengths. This can be done by asking close friends and family. Hear me out. There was a time when I felt a little bit lost so I asked several of my friends and some of my family members to please send me three words that they felt were a good descriptor of me. It was amazing to receive all of those words first of all. I did ask for a positive. It was strengths, not weaknesses. Pretty sure my brother sent me something negative but it’s all in good fun.
It’s interesting when you receive positives that go across the board. I noticed for myself a lot of the strengths that my friends and family sent. There were several that were mentioned several times. When you extrapolate that information, you can get a good idea about what your strengths are. The other way you can determine your strengths is by taking tests like StrengthsFinder High 5. There are a bunch of different ones but the one that I like the best is the Kolbe A Index. It’s not free. It’s $55 but it measures your instinctive way of doing things.
That result is called your MO, Method of Operation. It doesn’t measure your personality or IQ. It tells you how you operate. It’s been much more informative for me than anything else I’ve taken. I’ll probably dive deeper into it in a future episode but once you understand your strengths and how you operate, it helps you to stop working against yourself and instead find ways to strengths and then compensate.
The third area is deep interests. This is often perceived as the most difficult of the four areas but it doesn’t need to be. Chances are you won’t have an immediate answer when I ask you what are your deep interests and that’s okay. Our spirit has been broken over and over again by life, well-meaning adults, our teachers and our parents. We are taught to conform to be reasonable, make smart choices, be a part of the crowd, put away childish things and not stand out.
It’s no wonder we have difficulty verbalizing what’s most important to us. I suggest taking some time to journal and take note of the themes that surface. There are some prompts in the discovery document that I created that might be helpful. You can look to your hobbies and sports for clues. Look at what you read, what you spend your time doing the most, what you want to do in retirement and the causes you’ve donated to. All of that can inform your research but keep in mind that it’s more than what brings you fleeting moments of happiness. Your deep interests are written on your heart.
The fourth area is other resources. By this, I mean anything that’s not a financial resource like access to education, friends or family with connections, grandparents or siblings who can help with childcare and so on. Once you’ve gathered the information in these four areas, that information can be used to develop a plan of action and that’s what we are going to talk about in the next episode. I hope you’ll join me.
Thank you so much for putting up with the multiple times I said the E word there. I kept my promise I won’t say it again. I do appreciate you being here. I want to hear from you so please reach out. I can be found on LinkedIn, @TraciSimkins and the website RefinedByDivorce.com. Either way, I hope you have a great time.
Love In, Peace Out.
Bye.
