What does Refined By Divorce mean? This week, I talk about what the word Refined means to me, and why I named my consulting business Refined By Divorce. I explain why I reclaimed the word Refined, what it means to me, and how I want it to make you feel. I also reveal the purpose behind the podcast and what to expect in the future.
Hint: renew, rebuild, recreate, restart, restore, and so on…
but you probably get the picture, so tune in to this week’s episode now!
Listen to the Episode
Episode Transcript
Refined Rebel - Amelia Bloomer
I’m excited that you are with me on the show. This is an important episode to me. It’s where I explain why I chose the name Refined by Divorce, but first, the Refined Rebel. Amelia Jenks Bloomer was an early suffragist, editor, and activist. She was born in Homer, New York, and she married Dexter Bloomer. In 1848, she attended a women’s rights convention, and afterward, she created The Lily, a newspaper that started writing about the Temperance Movement and moved on to include other women’s rights.
It was one of the most influential and liberal publications dealing with women’s issues in the early 19th Century. Many women were attracted to the Temperance Movement because, under the current legal and social systems of the day, women were unable to earn a living or own property. They were dependent on the head of the house for their livelihood and support. Amelia remained a fervent supporter of the movement, however, her most influential work was in dress reform.
Early on in life, she noticed the health hazards and restrictive nature of corsets and dresses. Elizabeth Smith Miller, who was the daughter of wealthy abolitionists, had the confidence and privilege to break from social norms and get away with it. Amelia saw Elizabeth wearing this new style of pantaloons under a short dress, and she decided to start wearing it herself. She wrote about them and published photos of herself in her newspaper, which received national attention. She was criticized by men and women who thought it was a sign of moral decay and a threat to male power.
There were many cartoons that ridiculed the Bloomer costume, but she didn’t care, and her name became associated with them. The bloomers began to represent activists in the women’s rights movement. Amelia’s courage in her convictions and her willingness to act on them made her a highly visible figure among early women’s rights advocates. Even though she did not create the women’s clothing reform style known as Bloomers, her name became associated with it because of her early and strong advocacy.
What Does Refined By Divorce Mean?
We didn’t jump from corsets and bloomers straight to push-up bras and thongs, and I’m sure you could make an argument that they’re all equally uncomfortable. Lately, we’ve seen the return of the corset. Thank you, Kim, 😉 but at least we get to choose what we wear under our clothes now, so I call it a win.
The refinement of women’s clothing has been made with subtle changes and small improvements over time, along with some not-so-subtle and bigger changes like the ones that Amelia Bloomer and the other Refined Rebels made happen. What does women’s clothing have to do with Refined by Divorce, you ask? There is nothing, but I like to draw the comparison between divorce and Amelia Bloomer in the way that I use the term refined.
Over time, we make small, subtle changes in our own thoughts and actions that help us become a little bit stronger, more capable, and “better,” then, a big life event like divorce will come along, and it can accelerate that process or take us in a different direction. Divorce, like Amelia Bloomer, grabs our attention and opens our eyes to new perspectives and possibilities. Hopefully, that connection makes sense.
This episode was going to be the first one I released because I wanted to explain what Refined By Divorce means to me, but I needed to take some time to gather my thoughts on how to approach it because this is not a show where we discuss religion or politics. I do think it’s important that I give you context since the word refined can be associated with religion. For me, it used to have a religious meaning. For the first 35 years of my life, I was religious and believed we were sent here on Earth to be tried, and we were given trials in order to become refined, attain perfection, and earn our place in heaven.
There was a worth tied to it, and there was a reward in store, which was heaven. I would try to be perfect, I then would fall short, and then I would feel even worse. My black-and-white thinking led me to feel inferior and inadequate and less than my whole life. It was a horrible cycle, and I never felt good enough, and ultimately, it wasn’t a healthy way for me to live.
I have a hard time in that gray area. It’s not an indictment of religion. Many of my friends and family are religious, and I know it brings a lot of people peace and joy, but when I lost faith in my own religion, I couldn’t figure out a way to continue on the path I was born into or into something new. It doesn’t work for me, but I want to make sure that everyone here feels welcome regardless of their religion or politics.
I had to reevaluate my belief system and figure out what I valued and what was important to me. What did I feel was important as a member of the human race? It was a very long and convoluted story. I may share it on another day, but there was one concept that I had to lose altogether, and that was the evil P word. Can you guess what it is? It’s Perfection and all of its variations, Perfect, Perfection, Perfectionism, and Perfected. It’s not an attainable goal as a human, and I don’t even see it as an admirable quality anymore or something worth pursuing.
That doesn’t mean I no longer struggle with it because I do, but I have chosen to replace perfection with refinement. Rather than seeking to become perfect, I seek to continually refine myself by making small changes and to be a little bit better now than I was yesterday. It’s not in terms of how it defines me or for a reward but in terms of how my actions and behavior affect my loved ones, the people around me, and the community that I live in.
If you’re a woman, chances are you’ve struggled with perfection as well. If this resonates with you, I invite you to take a look at where that need for perfection is coming from and see if you can replace the goal of being perfect with the goal of continual refinement. It doesn’t take losing your faith to make the switch. It’s simply trying to do better every day. It doesn’t take difficulty and challenges in our life to make these improvements, but I do believe that going through difficult things like divorce can accelerate the process.
I found that for myself and the women I work with, divorce has the potential to make or break you, but with the right tools and resources, it can make you stronger. It can make you more empathetic to others. It can make you more willing to be open and vulnerable and less concerned with the opinions of others. When it came to my first divorce, it was one more thing that I failed at, but I didn’t let it break me. I slowly rebuilt a new life and eventually remarried, and then it happened again.
I thought for sure I would never recover, but despite the many tears, shattered dreams, and my broken heart, I wouldn’t change anything about it because all of it has helped me become a better version of myself. I still have a ways to go and a lot to learn, but I’m more comfortable in my own skin, and I no longer feel less than others. After my second divorce, I not only rebuilt a brand new life again. I built a business.
I’ve always had a dream to own my own business. Before my second divorce, I was a project manager at an IT company. I was working for this company, and then I quit the job before COVID hit because there were some things going on with the family, and they needed a bit more attention. My second husband made enough money to support the family. We decided that I would quit and that I was going to start my own business. That was the plan anyway so that I could be in the home.
I just could never get anything going at that point. I don’t know what it was, but I struggled with what I wanted to do and I went in so many different directions. After the divorce is when I got serious about it and decided that I wanted to do something that I’ve wanted to do since my first divorce, which is to help other women who are going through a divorce.
I decided to use my personal experience and business expertise where it would have the most impact. I built a consulting business to help entrepreneurial women recreate a thriving life and successful business post-divorce. I named it Refined by Divorce. It was with this intention that I came up with the name. I want women to feel empowered, to let divorce make them stronger, and to use the opportunity to make big changes.
So much of business is a mindset, and helping women with both aspects make sense. This business has been more rewarding than anything I’ve ever done, second only to being a mom. I started this show with a few goals in mind. The first is in hopes of reaching more women like you to let you know that I know the struggles and hardships you’re facing. I know it’s not easy, but there is a way out, and I want to share what I’ve learned with you. I want to help you succeed in all areas of your life so you can take care of yourself and your family and live well.
The second purpose is to highlight the inequality that still exists for women and mothers, especially for women of color. There are these outward visible signs of discrimination, like the gender pay gap, and then there are the more insidious ones, like the motherhood penalty. I’ll be weaving this information into the show to try to get the info out so that we can make the changes that we need to make. Lastly, I want to honor the forgotten women and their accomplishments, who got us to where we are now, which is where the Refined Rebel comes in.
Most of the time on the show will be spent on how to help you rebuild after divorce. I believe that every wife and mother has developed the skills and experience needed to start a small business. Unfortunately, in our society, you are neither paid nor adequately recognized for all the expertise it takes to run a successful home and raise children.
You’ve learned how to market, sell, and negotiate. You know how to manage time, projects, resources, and people. You’re an event planner. You work with budgets and forecasting and you’re a pro in the HR department. You may not know the fancy business terms yet, but you understand the concepts behind it all, and that’s the most important part.
With a little bit of study, you have everything you need to start a service-based business for next to nothing. Next time, we’re going to begin to dive into the world of entrepreneurship and the mindset you need to cultivate in order to be successful.
The “Amelia Bloomers” who came before us braved ridicule and sacrificed so much for us to have a vote, earn a living, own property, and wear whatever we want under our clothes. Let’s not let those rights go to waste. I hope you have a wonderful week. See you next time.
Love In, Peace Out.
Bye.
