Exile After Divorce: Dealing with change, doing something new, and getting out of your comfort zone are what make you grow and give you better tools to handle the difficult things in your life.

As a divorcee, are you experiencing exile the way that Enheduanna describes it obscured light shadows, confusion and destruction?

Both physical and emotional exile is common during divorce. You may have to sell your home, move, downsize, and lose some of your possessions, not to mention the emotional side of exile where you feel cut off, lonely, sad, depressed or like we talked about in the first show, you may feel invisible. Go back and read that one if you didn’t already for ways to combat feeling invisible.

Whether you are talking about physical or emotional exile, those feelings are intense and can be very difficult to work through. Every situation is different but the most important thing to remember is that a house is not a home. I like to think I’m a bit of an expert on the subject because as I went back and counted, I was shocked to learn or recall that I’ve lived in 36 different houses over the course of my life.

My dad was not in the military. A lot of those moves were during my first marriage but the majority of the time was spent living within two cities. That made it a little easier. I lived in Salt Lake City for a part of my life, and then I lived in Honolulu for a good chunk of it, probably over half. Now, I’m back in Salt Lake, but I also lived in several different cities in California. I know a thing or two about establishing a new home and feeling out of place.

I used to look at it as such a negative thing, but the older I get, the more I realize that dealing with change, doing something new, and getting out of your comfort zone is what makes you grow and gives you better tools to handle the difficult things in your life. Back when I thought it was a negative thing, I had a goal. By the time my oldest was five years old, I wanted to be settled into a home and live there until we retired or maybe even live there forever.

All of that bouncing around was difficult. At that point, I had not been in 36 homes and was already tired of not feeling settled. I don’t know if you do this but I would watch movies when the adult kids would come home to their room, and it hadn’t changed. I never had that, and I wanted it for my kids. It’s not so much that I felt was lacking because my parents did an amazing job. The reason I didn’t have a room is that by the time they settled down into the house that they had been in for the past twenty years, I was already in college, so I didn’t need a room.

What I’ve found is that wherever my parents are, that feels like home, although I felt like I had failed my children. I realize now that they may not know it but wherever I’m at, they certainly make themselves feel at home, and I love that. I hope they truly do feel that way, that it’s their home and that it will always be. After I got married the second time, we bought a house.

Once again, I said, “I’m never going to move again. I found my forever home. I am going to die in this house. You are going to have to come and pull me out,” but once again, that didn’t happen. We had to sell. I was once again reminded that, “You need to make wherever you live your home.” Our home is a place of refuge. It’s where you feel safe and accepted. It’s where you come to lay your head down at night to recharge for the next day.

Creating a home is not about the physical things so much, although they do play a part. It’s more about making an emotional connection with where you are at. This feeling of home, it can’t be bought. It’s something that you will connect with over time. I have some tips for how to make wherever you are feel like home sooner.

I want to start with a visualization exercise. If you go somewhere quiet and spend a few minutes thinking about these questions, “How do you want your home to feel to you? How do you want your home to feel? How do you want to feel in your home? What activities are you doing there, and which specific rooms? What are the different senses that you are imagining? What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? What do you taste?”

If you take that time, record down your answers during or after you visualize your home. You can start to make a plan to implement or get started by making one small change immediately. Obviously, you might not be able to do everything you want to now, especially when you’re going through a divorce or it’s new, and you are struggling to get through the day but you can start to work towards it. I have six different relatively inexpensive things that you can start to do right away to make your new surroundings feel like home.

Number one is putting up family photos or your kids’ artwork on the fridge.

Nothing makes a home or feel more homey than photos. After my first divorce and we had moved in with my parents, that was one of the things that I did right away. I got pictures from when the kids were small and specially pictures of them with their dad and with me.

I put them up on the walls to remind them that they are still important, still part of a family and that they are loved, and it made me feel better as well, seeing all of the things that were a reminder of the home that I was trying to create. If you have to move, downsize, whatever it is, that would be my number one recommendation. Put up your pictures.

Number two, choose your relaxation spot on the couch. I don’t know if you have one spot that you always go to. In different places I’ve lived, I’ve had many different spots but I definitely have my favorite place to be when I’m relaxing. You can make it your own. You can put your blanket there, put a pillow there, mark it off, and have that be the place that you go to and relax at the end of a rough day.

My third recommendation is to cook familiar foods. Cook the foods that you either grew up with or that you ate when you were in a good spot during your life. Having the comfort of those foods around you does make you feel at home. It’s what we do for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all of the different holidays that we celebrate. We get together with family, and we eat our familiar foods. My kids always say they don’t ever want to go out for Thanksgiving or Christmas because it’s always a disappointment.

The food could be good, it could be amazing but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about having the things that you love, the things that bring up positive memories and the stuff that you grew up on. I don’t care if it’s January and you want to cook a Turkey, or it’s November and you are making your summer barbecue, whatever it is. Cook the things that you love and will help you feel better.

Number four is establishing a familiar or a new scent through diffusers, candles or plugins. There are many options. Some of them are probably more healthy than others. This show is not about health in that sense but if you are against candles or smells, you can always do oils or even fresh lemons. If you can establish something that you are either familiar with or something new, it will make you feel more at home.

Number five is live plants. Having something that’s alive, that’s around in your home, that you now are caring for, that can give you that sense of home. I will often go to the big box stores and buy their poor, sad-looking clearance plants. You get them for $5. They are cheap, and then you can nurse them back to health. My whole life, I’ve not had a green thumb, but after moving back to Utah from Hawaii, I wanted to start a garden. I have been working on it over the years.

It’s great to nurse something back to health. There’s something very gratifying for me in having a plant that needs care because it has been at whichever store, Home Depot or Lowe’s. It has been there and not taken care of as well as it would have been if it were at the nursery. Not only do you get it for a good price but it gives you a project that helps your mental well-being.

The last recommendation is to create a comfortable bedroom or sleeping situation because wherever we lay our heads down at night, that’s where we feel at home. If you are in a comfortable bed, laying there, enjoying the relaxation of it there, that’s probably the second most important thing you can do to feel at home. I always say photos first and then the bed second. It’s up to you. One small thing can make such a big difference. If you can use the opportunity to create a place where you feel relaxed and safe, it will be good for your mental health, well-being and internal, and it will be good for the people that are around you.

Divorce is not for the faint of heart. It’s so much more than just a change in relationship status. Losing your home is a big deal. Even though I’m giving you tips and help on how to get through it, I hope you know that I do understand the difficulty that you are facing. When you are going through a divorce, the people around you may not understand what you are going through.

They don’t understand the depths of depression that can happen, the loneliness, the isolation, and the feeling ostracized from your previous community. It’s not easy. I do understand. I get it. I want to remind you to give yourself a break. You’ve gone through one of the most stressful life events you will ever go through.

Give it time. Sit in the discomfort, the sorrow, and the grief, and work all of those feelings so that you can then move forward. If you are not ready, if you are just not there, and you might not be, depending on where you are at in your divorce, what happened, and the circumstances, you may not be ready yet. If you are not, seek help from a licensed professional, therapist, counselor, and someone who can help you get through. That’s always my number one recommendation.

Regardless of what happens, you can always make your new surroundings feel like home. I know because I’ve done it over and over again, times 35. I want to know what it is that you have to say. Do you have any recommendations for the audience? I want to know what it is or hasn’t worked for you. Anything about feeling at home or not feeling at home, both positive, negative or whatever it is. I want to hear from you. Reach out. I can be found on the website at refinedbydivorce.com Also, on LinkedIn @tracisimkins

I hope you have a wonderful week. 

Love In, Peace Out.

Bye.