Today I’m getting real with you, by sharing my experiences of being a people pleaser, and the dark side of seeking approval from others. Listen in to hear how my second divorce changed that!
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Episode Transcript
Welcome back I’m Traci Simkins and this is Refined By Divorce, it’s a place for women who want to rebuild a thriving life and become financially secure after divorce, by starting a small service business. We talk about entrepreneurship, working in and outside the home as a single mom, mindset, and everything in between, and today I’m going to get real with you.
But before we get there, I start every episode with a little bit of inspiration, by spotlighting a woman from history who has gone before us and paved the way, affectionately referred to as a Refined Rebel.
Refined Rebel - Mary Houston Simkins
Today’s refined Rebel is near and dear to my heart. She was born in the small town of Panguitch Utah in 1925. Mary Houston was the third of nine children and for the first few years of her life, their family home consisted of two-rooms – a living room and a kitchen. She recalls they all slept in the living room including her parents, except for the youngest, who slept in a crib in the kitchen.
Money was tight but she had a happy childhood and was always bright. Even though she skipped 2nd grade, she remained at the top of her class and graduated as valedictorian from High School. This was during World War II, so she joined the cadet Nurse Corp, which was a program sponsored by the US government to ensure the supply of nurses for civilian and military service.
After graduating from Salt Lake General Hospital School of Nursing, she returned to her small town where she worked at the Panguitch Hospital. After meeting and marrying Howard Simkins, they bought a small farm in the even smaller town of Circleville, UT. They had 4 children. One lived for only 20 minutes, but Mary had to carry on and she raised 3 successful children. She was a dedicated and respected nurse until she retired at the age of 60. My grandma Mary was always kind, had a poem for almost every circumstance, and she loved to read. But she would hide her stacks and stacks of trashy romance novels in her closet. She was part of the reason why I went to nursing school, and thanks to her sacrifices and those of the other women who came before me, I was able to choose to go in a different direction.
You can read much more about Mary and the other Refined Rebels here.
Getting Real
After my first divorce, I thought I had it all figured out. The therapist I started seeing during the divorce asked me what I wanted to work on, and I didn’t have an answer for her, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted her to tell me what I needed to work on. So I just said, I want to work on being honest with myself. I thought that was the problem. So that’s what we did and after 6 months, I stopped going because I didn’t have anything else to talk about. I was feeling good. The kids were settling in, I liked my job, I had great friends, and a few months later I started dating.
I knew I wanted to get married again, I thought that I just needed to marry the complete opposite of my first husband. We are so different in so many fundamental ways, and I thought I just needed to find the opposite of him.
But what does that even mean? That doesn’t mean anything.
People can’t be boiled down into one thing. I think I took the one attribute that I felt like defined our relationship and looked for the opposite. But the truth is, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I thought that being honest with myself was the key, and I thought I had learned everything I needed to learn about marriage, and that as long as my next husband was kind, that would be enough.
My second husband is a kind person and we have an amicable relationship and I wish him nothing but the best. What I discovered since our divorce is that I wasn’t truly being honest with myself, I couldn’t be, because the underlying cause was never addressed. It took going through another divorce to figure out what that was.
Identifying the Issue
So after my second marriage fell apart, I had to start over again. On yesterday’s Daily Dose of Vitamin B, I laid out all the steps that I took to create the positive changes that got me to where I am today.
So if you want to go back and listen to that you can, but basically I talked about a self-care journal my mom gave me, therapy, exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep, focusing on relationships, you know all of the things that we know we need to do, but for whatever reason fight against.
It was in these steps that I discovered that seeking approval from others was the biggest driver for most of my life.
I don’t like to admit it. I don’t like the sound of it, but it’s true. I’ve had a very negative dialogue going on with myself since before I can remember. It’s still there, and I have to continually turn down the volume and remind myself that the only opinion of me that matters, is mine. I have to work at it, and probably will for the rest of my life, but I think it will get easier, because it already has. And getting older helps.
At the heart of it, trying to please people is a symptom of me not seeing my value. It’s a common issue, especially among women because of the way we are raised to put everyone’s needs before our own. The extent of it can vary from person to person, but I think I had a particularly bad case of it.
Now it did give me the drive to excel in school and in my career, but it was for all the wrong reasons.
And the danger of being a people pleaser is absolutely real.
It led me to be in several situations where I was afraid to speak up for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings, even if it was harmful to me.
Most women have experienced sexual assault or abuse of some kind, and being a people pleaser makes you an even bigger target and at higher risk of going along with something you don’t really want to do, just to avoid conflict.
When you seek approval from everyone but yourself, you lose your self.
I was lost. Think Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride lost – I didn’t even know how I liked my eggs cooked because I always just adopted the style of those around me. Figuratively speaking, sunny side up has always been my favorite. But what I would do is give up my sunny side in order to make everyone else around me have what they want. I thought that meant I was being nice and therefore good.
From Lost to Found
I was raised in a religion that taught me many positive things, and I had some great relationships and experiences because of it, but it also left me feeling worthless and I didn’t really know why until I stopped going.
Ultimately it just doesn’t align with what I value, and isn’t a healthy place for me to be. I can finally say that. I used to be so afraid of what everyone would think of me, but just owning it has been helpful.
One of the other things that has helped me develop a value system that feels right to me, and discourages the idea of pleasing others, was learning the difference between being nice and being kind.
Being nice is often motivated by a desire to avoid conflict, maintain a positive image, or gain approval from others. Think superficial politeness and agreeable behavior, even if the person doesn’t genuinely feel that way. Someone might be nice on the surface but not truly care about the well-being of others.
Niceness can be situational and may depend on the person or context.
Being kind is motivated by a genuine concern for the well-being and happiness of others. Kindness goes beyond surface-level interactions. It involves empathy, understanding, and a desire to contribute to someone’s overall well-being. Kindness tends to be consistent across situations and individuals. A kind person is more likely to show care and consideration regardless of circumstances.
Kindness comes from an authentic place within oneself. It’s not about seeking approval or gaining something in return but about genuinely wishing the best for others.
Kindness doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being or going against your values.
It’s not bad to prioritize your own well-being. Taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally enables you to approach situations with a clear mind and a kind attitude.
Now I can’t say that I have everything figured out. In fact I don’t think we ever truly get to that point, but I can say that I’m in a much healthier state of mind than I’ve ever been, because I’m learning what it is to just be me.
What has divorce taught you?
I’d love to hear your perspective, so please comment, like, share, subscribe, follow, hit the bell you know the drill.
Love In, Peace Out.
Bye.
